Healing the Wounds Caused by Attachment Trauma

Rejection hurts. It makes you question your worth. Consider how this is true in the case of an infant whose attempts to bond with his or her mother are ignored.

God created us with a deep need to form meaningful relationships. Infants are biologically wired to turn to and bond with their mothers for survival. The security or lack of security in this first attachment becomes a blueprint of how relationships work. This is carried into adulthood, affecting how you form connections and relate to others.

Attachment trauma is the result of a highly charged emotional state and distress. This triggers an infant’s nervous system to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. It happens when his or her most basic needs for safety, security, and consistent care repeatedly go unmet, or are met inconsistently as he or she tries to bond with his or her primary caregiver.

Over time, this cumulative stress builds up in the body in both visible and invisible ways. It becomes deeply rooted in the nervous system, creating attachment wounds that have a profound effect on your physical and emotional development, and the way you see yourself.

The coping strategies you develop as a child to enable you to survive the wounds of attachment trauma and manage your overwhelming anxiety or fear start out serving a useful purpose. However, over time, they tend to become dysfunctional and end up causing problems later in life when, as an adult, you feel pulled between contradictory feelings. These feelings can include:

• Yearning for connection but being afraid of it.
• Longing to be loved unconditionally, but fearful to allow yourself to be vulnerable because you believe relationships are unsafe and unpredictable.
• Wanting to feel close to others, but being scared of closeness.
• Craving reassurance, but not believing it will last when someone offers it to you.

Signs of Attachment Trauma in Adulthood

Difficulty trusting others You tend to be suspicious and skeptical of others, have a hard time believing they can be relied on, and try to read between the lines in every interaction.

Fear of intimacy or closeness Even though you crave closeness, you may act distant, superficial, push others away, and avoid deep connections or becoming overly attached to anyone for fear of getting hurt.

Fear of abandonment You tend to avoid forming close relationships because you believe the other person will eventually hurt, disappoint, or abandon you.

Low self-esteem or sense of self-worth You feel unworthy of being loved, thinking you are flawed, and not good enough, no matter what you achieve.

Difficulty regulating your emotions You tend to lack impulse control, be easily overwhelmed by your feelings, and have a hard time managing intense emotions.

Need for constant reassurance You have a need for approval and reassurance, and seek constant validation from your partners, friends, and coworkers.

Pattern of unhealthy relationship dynamics You tend to engage in unhealthy relationship dynamics, such as forming one-sided relationships, being drawn to emotionally unavailable people, or staying in an abusive relationship because it feels familiar and you don’t want to be alone.

People-pleasing behaviors You put other people’s needs above your own, and have trouble setting boundaries or saying no for fear of conflict or rejection.

Emotional numbness You have trouble recognizing what you really feel or empathizing with the feelings of others, which can lead to frequent confusion and misunderstandings.

Anxiety and/or depression You may experience anxiety, depression, or both, as people with attachment trauma have an increased vulnerability to anxiety and depression.

Healing the Wounds of Attachment Trauma

God never intended for you to live in fear of love. Instead of hiding your fear and pretending to be fine, He wants you to acknowledge your pain and bring it to Him so your wounds can be healed. Healing the wounds of attachment trauma starts by unpacking what lies at the roots of the dysfunctional patterns of behavior formed in early childhood, understanding what they were formed to try and protect, and how they have shaped you.

You may need the help of a licensed mental health professional to guide you through this process, but you can take the following helpful steps. These can support your nervous system and help it reconnect with safety and peace, foster emotional regulation, and prepare your heart for deeper healing.

Practice self-awareness Observe how you relate to others and the types of situations or interactions that lead you to feel anxious, withdrawn, or reactive.

Journal Journaling can help you process your emotions, organize your thoughts, identify patterns and triggers, and see things from a more objective perspective.

Challenge negative core beliefs Question negative core beliefs you may hold about yourself, ask yourself how valid they really are, and reframe them with more realistic ones that are aligned with truths in the Bible.

Set and maintain healthy boundaries Make a list of things that make you feel safe, comfortable, and respected, as well as things that cause you to feel stressed. Use it to set boundaries. Learn how to say no and express your needs clearly, using “I” statements. Starting small and being consistent will help build your confidence.

Practice saying breath prayers Breath prayers are short prayers you say in sync with the rhythm of your breathing to help ground yourself in the present moment, connect with God, and stay calm when you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed. It’s taking a two-part phrase or scripture verse and saying half as you inhale, and half as you exhale.

For instance, (drawing from Psalm 62.1,5), breathe in slowly while saying, “In Christ alone,” and breathe out as you finish with “my soul finds rest.”

Learn to ground yourself with a mindfulness exercise or a temperature change Mindfulness exercises or changes in temperature can offer physical cues to help your body reset. They send your nervous system the message that you are safe and can relax.

Exercises include:

• Deep breathing where you stay focused on the sensation of your breath going in and out
• The 5-4-3-2-1 technique, where you use your five senses to help you shift your focus from your anxious thoughts to the present moment
• Holding something cold in your hand to create a change in temperature

Intentionally move your body Movement done intentionally, whether in the form of some stretches or a short walk outdoors, can help release tension, reduce stress, and remind your nervous system that it is safe.

Do something you enjoy Do something you enjoy that relaxes you. A few options are to read a good book, engage in a hobby, journal, listen to music, paint, dance, do some gardening, or even just enjoy a quiet cup of tea outdoors.

Practice self-compassion Treat yourself kindly and remind yourself that the coping mechanisms you developed as a child helped you survive. Making a habit of replacing the words of your inner critic with kinder dialogue can help rewire old patterns.

Benefits of Christian Counseling for Attachment Trauma

Counseling does not erase what happened, but it can help you learn to live in the present without being ruled by the past, and how to experience intimacy without fear. It is a process that involves pinpointing and acknowledging past hurts, understanding how they have shaped you and your beliefs about yourself and others, helping you discover what a secure attachment feels like, and consciously working to develop new, healthier ways of connecting.

By integrating biblical principles and insights, spiritual support, and prayer with conventional strategies, Christian counseling for attachment trauma adds a unique hope-filled, faith-centered dimension to the healing process rooted in the transformative power of God’s love and truth.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with me or one of the other faith-based counselors in our online directory, please give us a call today.