What is Emotional Regulation and Dysregulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability to understand, experience, express, and manage emotions in a way that is appropriate to the situation and facilitates goal-directed behavior.

Conversely, emotional dysregulation describes difficulties in these processes. When you are experiencing emotional dysregulation, you may struggle:

• to identify or label emotions
• react intensely and disproportionately to emotional triggers
• have difficulty modulating the intensity or duration of their emotional responses
• experience significant impairment in daily functioning as a result of your emotional experiences

This can manifest in various ways, such as impulsive behaviors during intense emotional states, difficulty calming down after becoming upset, frequent and dramatic mood swings, and an overall sense of being overwhelmed by one’s emotions. Emotional dysregulation is often associated with a range of mental health conditions and can significantly impact an individual’s well-being and interpersonal relationships.

Effective emotional regulation allows individuals to navigate challenging situations, maintain healthy relationships, and pursue personal goals despite experiencing a broad spectrum of positive and negative emotions. It encompasses a range of processes, including identifying and labeling emotions, evaluating the intensity and appropriateness of emotional responses, and implementing strategies to modify these responses when necessary.

Stop the spiral

Unregulated emotions often lead to spiraling thoughts. One negative thought triggers another negative thought, and soon you are replaying every hurtful comment or past mistake you have ever experienced. Your brain flips these unpleasant memories onto autoplay until you notice that you are spiraling.

Finding a way to stop the spiral when you are in it takes practice. Bring your attention from the past and into the present. Simple things such as counting to ten or box breathing can pull you out of your spiraling thoughts and emotions, back to the present.

Another effective tool, sometimes used when people are having a panic attack, is to eat a sour candy. This simple trick is effective at redirecting your brain from a perceived “threat” (i.e., emotional distress) to a real “threat” (i.e., intense taste and feeling).

Separate facts from feelings

Once you have brought your brain into the present, you can begin doing some analysis of your emotions. Start by separating the facts of the situation from your feelings about the situation.

This practice is similar to retracing your steps to the last place you remember having something before you lost it. You can go back through your day, noticing if you are tired, hungry, maybe were hurt by an interaction in one place, and did not get angry or sad until later.

Perhaps you notice you have a headache, which makes you cranky. Once you register that pain is the cause, you can find a solution. From there, you can reassess whether your crankiness was an appropriate or outsized reaction to something or someone else.

Maybe you are feeling upset that the laundry is piling up. Facts could include: a busy schedule keeping you away from home, emergencies, or other priorities being shifted to the top of the to-do list, etc. The feeling is that your life is out of control. Once you have separated the facts (unfinished laundry because of life) from the feelings (frustration with things not being done), you can brainstorm solutions to deal with the differing problems.

Shift from negative to neutral

When grappling with a persistent cycle of unwanted emotions, the immediate inclination might be to force a shift toward positive feelings. However, this abrupt transition can often feel inauthentic and unsustainable.

A more effective approach lies in seeking a middle ground, a state of emotional neutrality. Consider a routine task like doing laundry. While it may never evolve into a source of genuine joy, exploring ways to neutralize the associated negative feelings can significantly improve your overall emotional landscape.

This involves a conscious effort to detach from the inherent displeasure and identify potential modifications that could render the experience more tolerable, perhaps even uneventful. By focusing on incremental shifts toward neutrality in everyday situations, you cultivate a greater sense of emotional equilibrium and resilience, making it less likely that you will be overwhelmed by negativity.

Plan the hard conversations

The adage “never go to bed angry” holds merit only when coupled with a strategy for resolving the root causes of disputes. Several factors frequently instigate conflict among spouses, roommates, and family members, with finances and household chores often being prominent.

While these subjects are unavoidable, planning can prevent them from escalating into altercations. Scheduling regular discussions to address these challenging topics can cultivate a habitual approach to conflict resolution.

Some creative ideas include:

• A breakfast date to check in on finances
• A weekly family meeting to discuss schedules, chores, and expectations, followed by family game night.
• A household planning meeting
• A scheduled “airing of grievances”

When facilitating difficult conversations focused on emotional regulation, establishing clear expectations at the outset is crucial for a productive dialogue. Begin by explicitly stating the ground rules to ensure a structured and respectful environment.

For instance, emphasize the importance of one person speaking at a time, allowing everyone involved the opportunity to fully express their thoughts and feelings without interruption. It can also be beneficial to set a time limit for each person’s initial sharing to ensure that the conversation remains focused and that all participants have a chance to contribute.

It is vital to clarify the desired outcome of the conversation with the person presenting the problem. Are they seeking concrete solutions and actionable advice, or do they primarily need a safe space to vent their emotions and feel understood? Understanding their objective will significantly shape the direction and focus of the discussion.

If the individual desires solutions, the conversation can move toward brainstorming and collaborative problem-solving. However, if their primary need is to be heard and validated, the focus should be on active listening, empathy, and providing emotional support. Explicitly asking this question at the beginning can prevent misunderstandings and ensure that the conversation meets the needs of the individual seeking support.

In situations where the intensity of emotions threatens to derail the conversation, having pre-prepared scripts or a conversation guide can provide a helpful framework. These resources can offer structured approaches to navigating difficult topics, suggesting specific phrases and techniques for de-escalation, active listening, and expressing empathy.

Searching for such scripts beforehand can equip individuals to manage overwhelming emotions and steer the conversation toward a more constructive path. These scripts can serve as a roadmap, particularly when individuals feel emotionally charged or unsure of how to proceed effectively.

They can offer guidance on how to express concerns assertively yet respectfully, how to acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings, and how to work toward a mutually agreeable outcome. Remember that these scripts are meant to be a guide and should be adapted to the specific context and individuals involved to maintain authenticity and genuine connection.

Regulation Practices

Breath in and breath out and repeat When you find yourself overwhelmed by emotions focusing on your breathing can slow racing hearts, swirling thoughts, and other physical symptoms of intense emotions.

Take a walk Being outside can help you calm down physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sometimes walking away from an emotional situation gives you the necessary distance to clear your mind and decide how you want to approach the situation.

Exercise consistently Heightened emotions often lead to a dysregulated amount of stress in your body. Regular exercise is a way for your body to release stress hormones, sweating them out of your body.

Meditate regularly Choose a Bible verse, or a soothing piece of music. Set your phone aside, turn off the tv, create some quiet space for your mind and body to process things.

Journaling Writing is a way that many people use to process their emotions, separate facts from feelings, and also express thoughts that they would never say out loud.

Counseling Talking to a counselor is a helpful way to learn how to identify your emotions, analyze your triggers, and explore strategies that are effective for regulating your emotions. Counselors can help you brainstorm conflict resolution, find a state of emotional neutrality, and find effective strategies for long-term emotional regulation.

If you are ready to talk with a counselor about regulating your emotions, call our offices today.