Pursuing Healing and Recovery from Codependent Behavior

The health of your relationships plays a large role in your well-being. We are relational and social beings, created to love God and others. We are most human when we are in nurturing relationships with others who help bring out our God-given potential, and when we do the same for them. Healthy relationships give us accountability, stability, and support during troubled times, as well as an environment to flourish in.

If relationships are that influential, it makes sense that when they go awry, the negative impact needs to be felt deeply and in a variety of ways. Broken or unhealthy relationships damage your well-being, introducing stress, disharmony, and unpleasant emotions that can be hard to live with. One way for the health of your relationships to get eroded is through codependence.

The Damage Done by Codependent Behavior

Codependency can be described as a behavior displayed by a person with a poorly formed sense of self, who relies on others for their identity, emotional well-being, or sense of validation. Codependency may, at first, look like deep devotion to someone, but its roots are in something that is decidedly unhealthy.

A codependent person is overly reliant on others for their sense of self. They feel valuable, worthwhile, and purposeful only when they are expending themselves for others. Their source of validation is external to themselves, and this can result in a constant feeling of unsettledness unless they are doing something for others that allows them to feel needed. That is a hard place to be.

Codependent behavior is often masked by unwavering support of a loved one who cannot seem to become organized, or a selfless love that is eager to swoop in for the rescue at every opportunity. However, it can silently erode the health of the relationship and the well-being of all individuals involved in that dynamic. Getting to grips with the damage that codependency causes is a good step toward undermining it.

Codependency can lead to issues such as emotional exhaustion. Making yourself available and trying to meet others’ needs consistently often comes with a tradeoff – your own well-being. What often happens with codependence is that one’s needs get neglected. You put yourself out so much that you end up experiencing burnout, anxiety, and depression from the constant outpouring of yourself.

Another damaging result of codependency is that it can stunt the personal growth of the individuals caught in the relationship. Both parties can become trapped in roles that stop them from growing mentally, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and in other ways. If someone is always bailing you out, you will not learn to handle your own crises. If you are constantly helping others out past your limits, that hinders your well-being.

Often, codependence also results in distorted relationship patterns. Being overly involved in another’s life can edge past being helpful toward being controlling or manipulative. These, along with enabling unhealthy behaviors to retain the feeling of usefulness, can all potentially lead to broken trust and the loss of genuine connection with one another.

Lastly, it is possible that codependency can result in usurping the role of Christ. If you are over-reliant on someone to meet your needs, you can subtly and possibly overtly put them in Christ’s place, relying on them for your strength and identity. If you are expending yourself for others, there is also the possibility of feeling like it’s up to you to save people from themselves and not rely on Christ to be their savior and help.

Why It is so Hard to Step Away from Codependence

It is a valid question to ask why, if a person becomes aware of a codependent dynamic in their relationship, they do not simply step away. Why stay in such a relationship and perpetuate such a dynamic? There are several reasons people stay in such relationships, even when they become aware that these patterns are deeply damaging to them and others.

Breaking free from codependent patterns in relationships is challenging due to the following reasons:

A Fear of Abandonment Often, childhood experiences are the root cause of codependency. If one grew up in a situation where they felt valued only as they served the needs of others, their experience could shape a deep desire to be needed and a fear of being rejected if they don’t attend to the needs of others. Hence, one can become trapped by fear and the belief that stepping away from these patterns will result in rejection or loneliness.

Misplaced Identity If a person finds their self-worth solely from doing things for others in order to get the sense of feeling needed, it could be a hard habit to shake. Without knowing how else to be, it can simply be a case of doing what you feel familiar with, even when the familiar is not helpful or healthy. Finding a new identity can be hard and disorienting.

Feelings of Guilt and Shame One of the side effects of codependency is that you can overextend yourself, but doing so feels natural and the right thing to do. When you feel responsible for another person’s happiness, one unintended result is that it can create overwhelming guilt when attempting to set boundaries. You can feel like you are letting people down or hurting them.

Cultural or Familial Conditioning Codependency is often normalized through learned behaviors from family dynamics or societal expectations. It is possible even for spiritual communities to foster the idea that saying “No” and having boundaries is unspiritual, selfish, or ungodly. Just as changing your identity is hard, it can be difficult to go against the culture or communities that helped form and support you.

It can be hard to step away from codependent behaviors because others may encourage them, they may seem normal, and you may also feel internal pressure to continue with those behaviors because they have become part of who you are. Changing courses can be hard, but it is not an impossible task.

Taking Steps Toward Healthier Relationship Patterns

Codependency can be damaging, and the patterns may be hard to break. It can be a struggle to break free, but it is important to pursue the path toward healing and developing relationships that reflect God’s design. There are steps you can take as you do this, and these include the following:

Take the time to reflect and consider the following. Do you have any relationships in your life where you feel overly responsible for another person’s emotions or decisions? If you do, there may be codependent dynamics at work. You can also look out for other signs of codependency, including feeling like you cannot say “No,” experiencing emotional and physical burnout because of neglecting your needs, or being resentful toward others.

It is important to acknowledge codependent tendencies in your life and to understand where these tendencies come from. What stories are you telling yourself to maintain these tendencies? Take the time for introspection and journaling to better understand those tendencies in yourself.

You can also seek the Lord’s guidance. Not only can you seek His will for your life and relationships in Scripture, but you can also consider how Scripture encourages you to find your identity and worth in Christ alone. Look to the Lord for your sense of self-worth. Consider also how you can seek the Lord in the process of establishing healthier boundaries.

Speaking of setting healthy boundaries, you must learn how to say “No” without guilt. We all have limits; you need to respect yourself and help others respect them as well, just as you respect them. We need healthy boundaries for the sake of mutual respect and to nurture our well-being.

You can also cultivate healthy relationships with people who honor your boundaries and encourage your personal and spiritual growth. Relationships are meant to be marked by healthy and mutual interdependence, and that should be what you aim for. Your friends and loved ones should encourage a mindset that your worth is rooted in being a child of God, not in fulfilling others’ expectations.

Walking with a Christian counselor can help you in various ways. It can provide you with the biblical insights and the tools you need to work through the complexities of codependency. Counseling can help you understand how codependency distorts relationships and help you unpack where these patterns came from in your life.

If this is an issue of concern for you, please contact my office to get support from faith-based counseling.