Tips for How to Be a Good Father After Divorce

When a couple gets married, the hope is to stay together until they are separated by death. The unfortunate reality, though, is that more than 50% of those who get married end up divorcing. Going through the process of separation and ultimately divorce can be an extremely difficult process for any couple.

If the couple has children, that can add to the complications and hardships. Coping with divorce while at the same trying to raise children who will be responsible members of society can seem unattainable at first. Fathers in this situation often feel ill-prepared.

Most couples try to shield their children from the realities of their crumbling relationship. As a result, when it comes time to tell them, most children are caught off guard. This can be traumatic. On the other hand, no matter how much a couple tries, they cannot hide the extent to which their relationship has disintegrated. This means children are not shielded from the dysfunction, and news of separation might come as a relief.

When a child’s parents separate, even if it was foreseen, they go through a difficult season, especially in the first year or two. Adjusting to all the changes can be hard. One huge change that comes about because of divorce is one parent moving out of the family home. In most divorce cases, the father is not the custodial parent, which means he is the one who leaves.

When a father moves out of the home, the relationship he has with the children can suffer if extra effort is not put into maintaining it. Christians are encouraged to “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). This mandate can still be achieved even if a couple is parenting from different homes.

Tips for Being a Good Father After Divorce

Below are some tips for fathers raising children after divorce:

Validate Children’s Emotions

After the separation of their parents, children will experience a myriad of feelings. It will be hard for any father to see his children struggling emotionally; however, he has to create a safe space for them to do so. Children will need permission to deal with all their emotions constructively. In this situation, a father can validate his children’s journey by allowing them to feel, cry, question, be angry, or grieve.

If they have hard questions, the father will have to be big enough to allow for those questions to be asked and answer them as honestly and as age-appropriately as possible. In certain instances, children will struggle with anger toward both parents or one parent for the divorce.

Maturity in this situation will be to allow those feelings to be voiced and dealt with constructively. Asking leading questions will help a father get insight into where his children are and where they might be struggling. If it ever gets to be too much, fathers are encouraged to seek professional help. Sometimes talking to a neutral third party might feel safer for children.

Maintain Routine

When a couple is no longer staying together, a lot of things will have to be negotiated for the sake of the children. One way that will make children have a sense of security and safety is if certain routines are kept in place. As people, we find comfort in the familiar. Routines in this case will help with feelings of stability and alleviate fear of the future. A father who has moved out can have the same routines at his new home so that it too feels like home.

No Fighting with Your Ex in Front of the Children

Co-parenting after divorce can be difficult. Depending on the reasons why the divorce happened, couples might sometimes find it hard to work together. That being said, every effort has to be made to resolve issues away from the children.

Seeing their parents fight might bring about feelings of stress and anxiety for children who are already having to deal with a lot of changes. Mutual respect, even in moments of conflict, goes a long way in ensuring feelings of safety and stability.

Be Consistent

The key to any relationship’s survival and strength is consistency. As mentioned earlier, fathers are not usually the core parent, which means they often only get to spend time with their children on weekends or holidays. A father’s role in this situation is to make sure that he arranges his life in such a way that accommodates his children when it is his turn to parent.

There is no substitute for time spent together. This time, though limited, can be valuable, and the fact that it is consistent helps build trust and dependability. Where there is trust, the children will have less fear about the new developments and the future because they are aware that their father will always be there for them.

Move to a Child-friendly Home

When a couple splits, their living arrangements will change. If the father is the one moving out, he will have to make sure that his new home is child-friendly. This means that it is a place where his children will feel safe and be themselves.

It’s not about the size of the house, but how practical it is for children to stay for long periods of time. This process can be daunting, so a father can rely on the help of family and friends to set up his new home for his children. Even if it’s another house, children need to feel at home.

Seek Professional Help

Separating from one’s wife, no matter the reason, can be a difficult and sometimes traumatic experience, especially if it was unforeseen. Coping with divorce will involve trying to sort out feelings of grief, failure, anger, and disappointment – all of which can be difficult to do alone.

For this reason, single fathers are advised to seek professional help. A father who can recognize and prioritize his well-being is, in turn, prioritizing the well-being of his children. We can’t give from an empty cup.

Fight for Your Kids

Some divorce proceedings can be messy, and unfortunately, children are often caught in the middle. It can become a power struggle between the couple. Some fathers, unfortunately, may experience unfair representations when it comes to fighting for the custody of their children because of the maternal bias some courts might have.

This is the reason fathers must fight at times. The journey can be painful and ugly. However, fighting to be in your children’s lives will ensure that the relationship has a chance. One would have to do everything in their power – seek legal advice, be present at court proceedings, and actively show their children that they are making every effort.

A word of caution: No matter how hard it gets, the father should make every effort not to slander their ex to their children. This is still their mother, whom they love, and by slandering her, the father will be forcing the children to choose sides, a responsibility which should never be put on any child’s shoulders.

At any given time, being a father is no easy task; doing it while coping with divorce will have its own added complications. That being said, many single fathers have adjusted to their new normal and have made life easier for their children. The body of Christ is there to offer help and assistance when needed.

A local church can be a great source of comfort, encouragement, and strength. Remembering that you have a perfect Father in Heaven can give you strength and wisdom to walk your own journey as a father. For the single father, know that this is a journey many have travelled and many have triumphed. May this be a source of encouragement to you.

Christian Counseling After Divorce

If you’re looking for additional support beyond this article, feel free to contact our reception team to schedule an appointment for Christian counseling. Meeting with a licensed counselor for treatment can make a world of difference.