How to Move Beyond Codependent Relationship Dynamics

A relationship can be like a grapevine – planted in good soil and with the right mix of what it needs, it can produce an amazing crop. The best relationships leave you feeling deeply satisfied, and there’s nothing quite like them. When two people genuinely love and respect each other, those are the makings of a beautiful relationship. However, just like a grapevine, a relationship can be emaciating and unhealthy in a variety of ways.

Codependency is one of many ways that a relationship can go wrong. The good news is that codependency can be dealt with, and a relationship can be nurtured back to health.

A quick overview of codependency

The term ‘codependency’ describes an imbalanced relationship in which one person shrinks down their importance for another, not acknowledging their own needs and feelings but instead taking on responsibility for the other person’s needs. One person in the relationship – the enabler or taker – is more than happy to have their needs met by the other person, the giver. The giver feels worthless and wants to be needed by the taker, reinforcing the unhealthy dynamic.

In a codependent relationship, the giver is willing to sacrifice themselves and their needs to take care of the enabler and their needs. Codependency can exist between family members, friends, colleagues, and romantic partners.

In the codependent relationship dynamic, there is an unhealthy reliance on one another. This reliance goes beyond the healthy give-and-take that all healthy relationships possess. It violates a central law of boundaries where we are not being responsible “for” the other person versus us being accountable, as Dr. Townsend describes in his book, Boundaries.

By engaging in this codependent behavior, we are signaling to the other person, “Hey, I don’t feel you can take care of yourself, so let me take care of me and you.” This leaves the giver feeling depleted from lack of self-care and necessities, while the taker may start to believe they cannot provide for their own needs or be independent of the giver.

The problem with codependency is that it is often rooted in an inadequately developed sense of self. A person’s sense of identity shouldn’t rest on what someone else wants or needs. The giver in a codependent relationship will often define and understand themselves in terms of the taker’s needs, and they quickly shape their life around meeting the enabler’s needs, to the detriment of their own.

Signs of a codependent relationship

A codependent relationship is marked by an imbalance of power and the meeting of needs. Some of the signs of codependency to look out for include the following:

Having poor or no boundaries

Your boundaries are your limits that distinguish you from other people, and that demarcate your limits. If you find yourself doing things for the other person even when it makes you uncomfortable or it makes you overlook taking care of your own needs, that points to codependency.

Being a people pleaser

If you are driven to do things so that people will like you or you need them to like you to feel good about yourself, you are likely codependent in some ways.

Apologizing, even when you’re not in the wrong

If you find yourself apologizing often, even when you’re not to blame, or if you feel sorry for the other person even though they are the one who hurt you, that could also point to codependency. You may be apologizing in order to avoid conflict.

You want to rescue the other person, and they constantly need it

If you find yourself in a position where you regularly want to or feel you have to rescue or change the other person, that could also point to codependency. You might want to rescue or change them due to an addiction, or because they are underperforming in one way or another.

You don’t know what to think or do

If you rely on someone else to tell you what you think or feel about a job offer, potential romantic interest, a college program, a political issue, or anything else of significance in your life, that’s not healthy. Similarly, if another person’s mood or opinion dictates your own, that could indicate a codependent dynamic.

Loss of self

If you feel like you’ve lost yourself and your sense of identity in the relationship, that is a warning sign of codependency. If you never have time for yourself and are always investing yourself into the relationship and the needs of the other person ahead of your own, the relationship is codependent. You may also struggle to be alone and feel the need to always reach out.

Wanting control, feeling resentment

Another sign of codependency is wanting to control and change others, including their behavior. You may feel like you’re constantly cleaning up after them, so having control over them may feel ‘earned.’ Often, attempts to control others don’t work, leading to feelings of resentment.

You endure the other person

In a codependent dynamic, you may endure and tend to brush off the other person’s bad behavior. If others around point out their bad behavior, such as a belittling tone or humiliating you in public, you may either defend them or shift the blame onto yourself. This indicates a codependent dynamic.

Paying too high regard

In a codependent dynamic, one may also fall into the trap of putting their partner on a pedestal, idealizing them without recognizing the flaws that every person has.

Feeling guilt

If you’re not attending to the other person’s needs, you may have feelings of guilt about it. Codependency makes you feel like it’s your task to help the other person or to fix their problems for them. Using resources for yourself or taking care of yourself and your needs may make you feel guilty. You may even feel selfish about taking time out for yourself.

Not naming needs

Another sign of codependency is when you are unwilling to name your desires and needs for fear of upsetting the other person or creating conflict. You thus walk on eggshells around them and stay silent when the other person does things you don’t appreciate.

Moving beyond codependent relationship dynamics

Codependency occurs for several reasons, including family dynamics that perpetuate unhealthy self-sacrifice or emotional repression. A person can learn unhealthy ways of relating to others and themselves from their family. They can also be psychologically predisposed to taking care of others. Caring for others is a good thing, but it bears remembering that we are to love others as ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40).

The journey to overcoming codependency can be a long and arduous one, but it’s possible to have healthy relationships with others and yourself. With time and consistent effort, you can develop a stronger self-concept as well as clear boundaries to protect your personal limits. A codependent relationship can be saved, but you cannot do it alone. Both of you need to buy into it, and you can also seek the guidance of a trained counselor.

As you move toward overcoming codependency, the first step is to become more self-aware. A codependent person may be entirely unaware of their own tendencies. It may feel altogether natural to do what you do and to describe it in positive terms such as being selfless, generous, kind, or others-centered. Codependent tendencies are difficult to unravel, and that’s one reason counseling is so important.

Accept that you have some toxic traits too. Far too often, we can lay the blame squarely on the other person, when we need to own at least some part of the toxic dynamic in our relationships. It is not always the other person. Blaming is one way of avoiding accountability and making lasting changes.

Relationships have always been plagued with the specter of blaming someone else instead of owning up (Genesis 3:1-13). Think back to the Law of “to and for” in Boundaries. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to nurture this person to help them, or are there some insecurities I am trying to manage by doing this?

One of the outcomes of blaming others instead of being accountable and taking ownership is we remain in an unhealthy situation. All the while resentment is seething beneath the surface. Take time to focus on yourself, and to take ownership of how you relate to others.

You can also grow in your ability to be compassionate toward yourself. Avoid being overly critical of yourself, giving yourself room to learn and grow. You can also start taking small steps to reacquaint yourself with who you are. You could start looking at hobbies you like or invest in new friendships and relationships that lean more into your interests.

Part of the process of overcoming codependency also involves growing in your ability to communicate and assert your boundaries. Say “No” if you don’t want to do something and be willing to stand up for yourself. These things take time, but with the support and guidance of a trained and licensed counselor, you can reclaim yourself and relate to others in a healthy way.

Getting help

If you feel ready to incorporate the help of a professional in overcoming codependency, reach out to our offices today. We can set up an appointment with a therapist in our directory. Each is skillfully and uniquely trained to lead you into life-giving relationships.