Finding Support for Mourning the Loss of a Parent

In the Lord of the Rings movies, the actor Bernard Hill delivered one of the more poignant lines in the film. When he was in Glasgow, Scotland, a woman had come up to him, telling him how one of her children had died recently, and then she said to him that parents shouldn’t have to bury their children. Hill, who plays a character named Theoden, was so moved by that conversation that he asked for that line to be added to a scene in the movie.

The words, “No parent should have to bury their child” align with much of what we experience as the natural order of things; that parents precede their children in death. This, however, doesn’t make the loss of a parent any less painful, disquieting, or noteworthy. Losing a parent can be challenging for any number of reasons, and you may need professional support to process that loss and grieve in a healthy way.

The Necessity of Grief Over the Loss of a Parent

When you lose a loved one, that loss heralds change in your life. It means not experiencing their laughter again in quite the same way. In other circumstances, losing a loved one may mean not experiencing their anger or criticism like when they were alive. When you lose someone, whether you had a close relationship with them or not, it means things will change in your life, even if the change is losing the chance to change things.

One of the ways to come to grips with the changes brought on by loss is to grieve. Grieving is the process of working through the different thoughts and emotions that loss brings up. Some people feel angry, others feel sad or filled with regret. Others may feel guilt or even relief. It’s not easy to predict the path grief will take in a person’s life.

Each person grieves in their own way, and there isn’t an end date to grief. The fact that our society often allocates a grieving period to be absent from work or have certain expectations lifted can create the idea that once the period is over, grieving is done. While it’s possible to function in daily life as before, you can continue to grieve, process, and adjust to what the loss means.

It is important to give yourself room to grieve because, without that, you may find those emotions and thoughts showing up in strange and unpredictable ways. You may find yourself being irritable or angry with people. Other people report feeling emotionally numb, or they begin engaging in withdrawal or avoidance behaviors by steering clear of anything or anyone that reminds them of the loss. Unprocessed grief also affects concentration and energy levels.

If you don’t take the time you need to process your grief, that can also subtly begin undermining your sense of meaning and your faith in the Lord. You may begin to feel disconnected from your beliefs and even question the purpose of your life. Life may, by small degrees, begin to feel directionless and without meaning. For some individuals, substance abuse becomes a recourse to try and cope with their emotions.

Parents, Their Children, and Grief

If you’re a parent with children, you’re likely aware of how complicated, joyful, and all-encompassing that relationship can be. You too are someone’s child, and that relationship is sure to have its own set of joys and pains. As you reflect on your relationship with your parents, it might be with feelings of gratitude and warmth. It might also be with feelings of regret, guilt, shame, anger, or relief.

Like any other relationship, the relationship between a parent and a child has its share of negative as well as positive experiences. Some parents abandon their children, emotionally and physically, and they aren’t involved in their children’s lives. Other parents are physically present but otherwise absent. Still others might be abusive, while others are a healthy and positive influence on their child’s life. Some families are tight-knit, but others are not.

Other challenges in the parent-child relationship include whether forgiveness or reconciliation happened prior to their passing. Where relationships have been damaged by past actions, that can affect grief, as can whether that damage has been addressed. Depending on the situation, there may be feelings of anger, regret that things weren’t mended sooner or at all, and so on.

Depending on your relationship with your parent, losing them may mean the loss of a confidant and support. Parents are a source of wisdom, and they allow you and your children to connect to your family history and roots.

How you lose a loved one can also affect the grieving process. If the loss is sudden or traumatic, it can amplify feelings such as anger or sadness in some people. Trauma may also lead to other complications such as guilt and self-blame, as well as avoidance of the places, people, or activities that are reminders of the loss. In some instances, trauma can delay the onset of the grieving process.

If the loss was anticipated, such as if it came at the end of an illness that involved taking care of the sick parent, it can come with its own challenges. The grieving process may be accompanied by feelings of relief at the parent’s suffering being at an end. For some, the grieving process may have begun months before the actual passing, making for prolonged grief. Emotional exhaustion may also delay the grieving process.

What all this amounts to is that as you approach your own parent’s death, you can do so in many different ways depending on your relationship with them, and the circumstances around their passing. Grief can surprise you with the complex emotions and thoughts it brings up. It may lead you to shed tears and feel deep emotions for a parent you never knew. It can leave you feeling numb, angry, sad, relieved, guilty, and much else besides.

Healthy Steps for Mourning the Loss of a Parent

When you lose a parent, it may come with a host of complicated thoughts and emotions. Grieving allows you to begin processing those emotions and coming to terms with what the loss means. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with loss.

Below are some healthy steps for mourning the loss of a parent:

Give yourself room to mourn Whether you were the caregiver who was responsible for your parent’s well-being, or you barely had a relationship with them and you have responsibilities to attend to, it’s important to give yourself room to grieve. Recognize and face your feelings about your loss, whatever they may be, and allow yourself room to make sense of them.

In addition, you can find healthy ways to release or express those emotions and thoughts. Some people will cry, others will journal, some will talk to a loved one about it all, and others will paint or create something.

Reflect and remember The pain that grief unleashes can be uncomfortable, and it may be tempting to avoid it entirely or push it aside. Feelings that are set aside or repressed have a nasty habit of rearing their heads when you least expect it, and they can affect your mental, emotional, and physical health. Instead, share stories and memories about your parent, how they impacted you, and what accomplishments they have.

Remembering might also include visiting any places that hold significance and good memories of your parent. If you have them, you can create a memory book with photos of your parent, along with mementos. Other ways to remember and memorialize them include holding a memorial service or donating toward something your parent cared about.

Take care of yourself Grief takes a toll emotionally, physically, and mentally. Simple things like taking a shower, having something to eat, getting to bed regularly, and putting in some exercise can help to keep you healthy. You must manage any feelings of stress or anxiety that you may experience.

Christian Grief Counseling in Kent, Washington

Seek support Grieving isn’t necessarily a process you need to go through alone. Others can walk alongside you, weeping with you as you weep. Reach out to trusted loved ones or a support group, and if your grief is prolonged or you’re struggling to cope with your emotions, consider seeking professional help. A grief counselor in Kent, Washington can help you come to terms with your loss, helping you to heal at your own pace.

To learn more and schedule an appointment with a grief therapist in Kent, Washington, contact our office today.