Toxic Traits in a Relationship to Look Out For

Relationships of all kinds bring together people who may have various similarities and differences that make their dynamic interesting. These differences may be in temperament, personality, life experiences, culture, or outlook. Unlikely friendships and connections can happen, and it’s such a joy when you find someone that you have a kinship with.

Not all kinds of dynamics in relationships are happy ones, though. It could be a romantic relationship, a friendship, a parent-child situation, or a relationship between colleagues. In these relationships, there may be some ways of addressing each other or ways of dealing (or not dealing) with issues, that can best be described as toxic. This article will help you understand what some toxic traits in relationships are, and how to begin dealing with them.

What “Toxic” Means in Relationships

The word ‘toxic’ was the Oxford Dictionary word of the year in 2018, indicating how the word became widely used and part of our daily discourse. Essentially, the word refers to poisonous relationships, ones that are detrimental to the health of the people in them. To be fair, we all have things about us that are toxic in one way or the other. As sinners, we all have things we need to repent of and change.

When a relationship is toxic, the dynamic of the relationship is unhealthy in a significant way. If you ingest poison, it will affect the way your organs function, and how your mind works. A toxic relationship will affect a person’s emotional, mental, and physical health, not to mention their ability to socialize meaningfully with other people.

As such, you can ask some important questions to ascertain whether a particular relationship you’re in is toxic or not.

• Do I feel happy, lighter, motivated, and energized because of this relationship?
• Do I doubt myself more, or feel less competent because of the interactions in this relationship?
• Does this relationship make me feel tired, physically, mentally, or emotionally?
• Do I constantly wish I wasn’t in this relationship?
• Does this relationship diminish my sense of who I am, and who God created me to be?
• Do I find myself exhibiting my worst qualities in connection with this relationship?
• Do I feel like I’m a better person since entering this relationship?
• A toxic relationship will poison you; just as actual poison will do you harm. If you find, in answering these questions, that a particular relationship is sapping your vitality, it’s quite likely that the relationship is toxic.

Toxic Traits in Relationships

So then, as you consider your relationship, whether it’s with your parent, your spouse, your friend, or your boss, there are a few traits to keep in mind that can be labeled as toxic. These traits can be displayed in everyday interactions, and they have a few things in common. They often diminish the inherent dignity of others, and they undermine the sense of safety and trust that ought to exist in a flourishing relationship.

Some toxic traits in relationships to look out for include the following:

Unhealthy anger

Anger is a natural emotion that serves a function in our lives; it warns us when our boundaries are being violated and moves us to protect others and ourselves from these intrusions. Unhealthy anger is when one is angry all the time, or when anger is easily triggered. It also refers to anger that is poorly expressed – either in ways that harm others, such as shouting or hitting, or in passive-aggressive ways such as giving the silent treatment.

Verbal abuse

Our words are meant to heal and to build others up (Proverbs 12:18; Ephesians 4:29). When words are used to wound others and tear them down, that is a toxic trait. Constant criticism, insults, and humor at the expense of another are all ways our words can be abusive and make a relationship toxic.

Physical abuse

A relationship cannot flourish if one doesn’t feel physically safe in it. Whether it’s violence upon a person or hitting walls and breaking things, physical abuse makes for an unsafe environment.

Betrayal of trust

No relationship can function if trust is breached constantly. This might be through infidelity, financial betrayal, sharing confidential information, stealing from a loved one, substance abuse after promises to get clean, and so on.

Being dismissed

Each person has a perspective and something to contribute. No one wants to be dismissed and not taken seriously. If you and your concerns are dismissed, that could be a sign of gaslighting and a toxic relationship.

Lack of support

It’s a cold world, and we are often left to fend for ourselves. Our relationships are meant to be places of nurture, where we can be understood, known, and appreciated. Relationships also afford us support, whether that’s emotional or physical support when we need it. If you always have to fend for yourself in a relationship, and you can’t count on the support of the other person, that could indicate a toxic relationship.

Controlling behaviors

If you find yourself in a relationship where you have few choices, and where the other person has a huge and decisive say in your personal choices, that is problematic. Some controlling behaviors include telling you which friends to have, what to wear, what to eat, isolating you from friends and family, getting angry when you don’t respond to texts or calls immediately, etc.

Disrespect

Each person has boundaries. Boundaries are those invisible but very real lines that demarcate where one person begins and another ends. Boundaries allow you to know what you need to flourish as a person, and a partner or friend who respects you will also respect your boundaries because that is one way to love you. If a person constantly and deliberately violates your boundaries, that is a sign of a toxic relationship.

Resentment

People anger one another, whether deliberately or purely by accident. The question is what they do with that anger. If anger is allowed to fester, it can turn into resentment toward one another. The frustration that can come with deeply held grudges will erode the intimacy and sense of camaraderie that ought to accompany relationships.

Resentment also tends to flourish in situations where one feels they can’t air their concerns, or if they feel their concerns won’t be given a fair hearing, and that too is a sign of a toxic relationship.

Constant conflict, or complete absence of conflict

Two people in a relationship are bound to have disagreements now and then. Conflict is a part of life, but if a relationship is characterized by it, there is an issue with communication that needs to be addressed. Similarly, the total absence of conflict might not be a positive sign, either. It might signal avoidance of certain negative emotions or avoiding conflict itself.

Dishonesty

You or your partner may find yourself not telling each other the truth, whether about who you’re spending time with, who you were just on the phone with, or just how much money you spent on your last outing with friends. If you can’t tell the other person the truth, or you avoid them because it means you’ll need to confront some hard truths, it may be that the relationship is toxic.

Ignoring need

Each person’s needs ought to be considered, even if in the end a compromise must be made that isn’t ideal for one or both of you. However, if the needs of one or both of you are routinely ignored, or you feel like you have to ignore your needs to make the relationship work, that is not a healthy relationship.

Dealing With Toxic Relationships

If both parties in a relationship are willing to work at it, a toxic relationship can be nursed back to health. When two people recognize how past actions hurt the other person and the relationship, that’s a great first step to addressing the issues. Self-awareness, the willingness to be held accountable, and learning how certain behaviors affect the other person are the first steps toward making the relationship better.

With the help of a trained and independent third party such as a counselor, you can discern the toxic patterns in your relationship. Your counselor can also help you learn how to handle conflict better, how to communicate more effectively, and how to create healthy patterns that will allow the relationship to flourish.