Marriage and Our Phones: The Impact of Technology on Relationships

It’s no surprise that screen usage has enraptured our current generation. From the elderly learning how to navigate Facebook Marketplace to toddlers navigating YouTube Kids, the spectrum of screen usage is wide. In general, the conversation about the negative effects of screen usage is ongoing, but I would like to suggest that we consider the negative effects of screen usage in marriages.

Are our phones our second spouse?

For most of us, our phones are incredibly helpful. They help us stay connected with family, friends, and even our spouse. Phones, in and of themselves, are not the enemy. But there is a real foe that will capitalize on how phones can be a great distractor. Humans need connection.

We are hardwired for it, long for it, and often will look for it in all the wrong places. Instead of going to our spouse to nurture and feed our connection, we go to whatever app our heart desires. In “Scrolling Ourselves to Death,” authors Brett McCracken and Ivan Mesa Jr. note that “we’re amusing ourselves into addiction.”

A form of technology that was once beneficial has developed into something so much more damaging than many are willing to admit. McCracken and Mesa note that we have always had TV addicts, but our smartphones are not just tiny TVs. TV, in general, is for entertainment. Some channels are for the news; some channels can even be educational, like the Discovery Channel or the History Channel.

Again, I am not contending that you become a Luddite. I am not contending that we all just throw away our phones, or throw the baby out with the bathwater. I am saying it is time for us to be intentional and purposeful with everything that we do. “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God,” (1 Corinthians 10:31).

I am proposing that we look at the elephant in the living room, the bedroom, the kitchen, and our pockets; the elephant that is dopamine addiction. McCracken calls it “a digital syringe. It’s a gateway to lifelong, brain-altering, relationship-destroying addiction.”

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger in your brain that sends signals between your nerve cells. Most notably, it’s known for being the messenger for your reward system. The messages it sends can be positive or negative. You complete a task you enjoyed, message sent.

Your brain will likely build more motivation for that task because it was primarily positive. You complete a task you hated or that made you feel uncomfortable, and the message was received. Now, you will likely experience a lack of motivation for that task. Motivation is often linked directly to the emotions you experience and, thus, your mood.

Anna Lembke argues that “pervasive, cheap, and easy-to-access products and experiences that release dopamine in the brain are creating a mental health crisis unlike any other in human history.” Don’t glide past that word “crisis.” We hear it so often that we may be tempted to think little of the word. It’s important to remember what our current reality is. Jim Cress often says that “Mental health is being fully committed to reality.”

And the reality is, we are undergoing many crises today. John Eldredge, author of Wild at Heart and many other titles, has created an app called the Pause app. In it, he explains how we humans were never meant to intake this much information, this much intel. We were not meant to know the tragedy of what is playing out in other states, other countries, and other continents of the world, on top of the tragedies that we experience.

We are obese with information, and this can play a part in why we are so easily overwhelmed to the point of not having enough mental space for our spouse and the things they want to share with us. The point is that this “digital syringe” is often a replacement for the motivation to go to your spouse and connect. We are faux-connecting with others on our devices, not our spouses.

You may be tempted to read this and say, “This is my spouse!” But I implore you to do the work and look within yourself. How often do you go to grab your phone? Are you comfortable in silence? Can you wait in line without looking at your phone? Can you go to the bathroom without bringing it with you?

Challenge

I would like to propose a challenge. Note your phone usage. Not all of it is bad, but not all can be good, either. Use the screen time feature and brainstorm what you like about it and what you don’t like about your phone usage. Next, pray about it. Remember, praying is talking to God. Be in open dialogue with Him all day. Tell Him about your phone usage. Ask Him to help you do everything for His glory, for His purposes.

That includes entertainment. He is the Father of joy, and thus, He is no stranger to enjoyment. It’s the things that we enjoy that matter. Every time you go to pick up your phone, think of a text message you can send to your spouse. How can you use this device for His glory and bless others? How can you master your usage of this device rather than let this device master you?

Thief of Intimacy

In conclusion, our phones are often stealers, thieves of intimacy between our partners and ourselves. It can instill jealousy and feelings of rejection if a spouse is constantly on their phone rather than being emotionally, spiritually, and physically available. Remember, I am not saying to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I am saying that you should be honest with yourself and consider the impact your phone is having on your marriage.

And if it is your spouse that you feel is constantly on their phone, how do you, in love, as Ephesians 4:15 says, speak with your spouse about ways you can both set boundaries with phones to nurture your marriage?

We can get so caught up in all this “psych-babble” and yet not make decisions based on the information given. I blame that on the overload of information we are receiving on a day-to-day basis. However, you have agency. You have a choice. You can make digital decisions. You can control and monitor, and revise your digital use.

Communication

For a device that was initially for making calls, we aren’t truly connecting that much. Years ago, people couldn’t imagine a phone not being tethered to a wall by a cord. But now, we can’t imagine this past. Maybe we would be more purposeful with our relationships if the phone regained its leash. But even if, with all the technology that we have today, our phones become tethered to something immovable, we would still have to address the dependency.

Have a conversation with your spouse. Start with humility. Ask them what you can do better to communicate with them, and ask them if they are willing to hear your thoughts on what things they can do to help. If you want to shift the digital usage in your home, start with a conversation. Acknowledge the defensiveness that may appear and talk about how to work past it. Ask your husband/wife these questions:

“Do you feel like I’m present when we’re together?”
“Are there times when my phone use makes you feel ignored or unimportant?”
“What boundaries can we set around our phone use to make more room for each other?”

Final Thoughts

I only touched on marriage relationships here. However, if you have kids, that’s an entirely different conversation to be had. Because kids are notorious for watching their parents and what they do and mirroring the actions of their parents. What digital patterns and behaviors do you have that you do not want to instill in your children? What digital behaviors do you have that you want to pass down from generation to generation?

In a world full of disconnected people, marriages, and families, let us be the ones looking up, away from our phones, and toward each other. To quote the movie Avatar, “Oel ngati kameie,” which roughly translates to, “I see you.”

It signifies more than just physical sight; it represents a deep level of recognition, understanding, and acceptance of another person, including their spiritual essence. Once more, in a world vastly disconnected through our digital use, may we see each other fully. May we be intentional about lifting our heads and seeing each other.