Healing the Heart: Affair Recovery

Few things are as painful as the heartbreak caused by an affair. We get married believing that something like that could never happen in our lives. The reality is that over recent years, there has been an increase in extramarital affairs. The good news is that there is a way to recover from this heartache. The basic idea of affair recovery is to navigate the process of healing mentally, emotionally, and physically.

One way to start the process is to define what the affair means to you. It is not always the same for each person. Some believe that it is only an affair if there is sexual intimacy, while others consider emotional connection outside of marriage to be a betrayal as well.

To learn how to process the situation, there has to be a line that has been crossed. Moving forward, the couple will have to be intentional about pursuing recovery through humility and forgiveness.

An affair can be a deeply traumatic experience for couples to endure. Infidelity remains one of the leading causes of marital problems across the world. It can lead to profound grief and may contribute to the development of mental health challenges.

Committing to doing the work to recover from an affair is the first step in learning how to heal as a couple. Some have noted that it’s not the affair itself that causes the pain, but rather the heartache related to the treatment of one another once the affair comes to light.

There is always hope

Working through affair recovery can seem like a never-ending battle. The couple may begin to doubt if resolution or repair is possible. If each person is willing to invest in the marriage, couples can take comfort in knowing that there is hope for restoration. The first wave of pain and shock is the hardest to face; however, as the couple works through it, the process of recovery becomes easier to navigate.

Keeping God at the center of recovery is the best way to take hold of the promises of God for your marriage and your life. 1 Peter 5:10 “But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”

One phase at a time

When it comes to working through a recovery plan after an affair it is important to know that there are phases of healing. It is similar to the seven stages of grief and each phase is different for each person and couple. This means the timeframe for affair recovery varies from couple to couple however, the principles are the same.

The one thing that was common with many couples who exhibited an expedited healing time frame was getting help right away. The sooner couples seek to get guidance through a local Christian counselor, the sooner the recovery. The goal is to minimize the unnecessary pain during the aftermath of the affair by getting started with a faith-based recovery plan right away.

The Trauma Hits Home

This is where most of the pain initially begins; when the affair has been disclosed and the couple must now face the unavoidable heartache. During this phase, neither person must make any huge decisions. Allowing emotions to lead could result in a rash decision that later one might regret.

An important part of navigating this phase is learning how to use coping skills and prioritize self-care. Take time to make healthy food choices and maintain proper sleeping habits. This will help maintain focus and prepare your mind and body to process emotions as the journey of recovery begins.

The betrayed spouse will need to stay away from the blame game. They must understand that it was not their fault. At the same time, the spouse who was participating in the affair needs to be sure to break the relationship with the outside person. The break-off should include the spouse who was betrayed as it is the first step toward taking accountability and rebuilding trust.

Seeking God’s word about how to forgive after an affair will help with progressing through this phase. Forgiveness begins with trusting what God’s word says. It is not for us to always understand why things happen, but we can trust that God will guide us through them. Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”

Working On The Issues

As the couple progresses through the initial phase, they will work through the necessary adjustments. By now the emotions aren’t as overpowering and the couple can work toward better communication. Although there will be arguments, it is important to be able to hold space for difficult emotions, empathize with one another’s perspective, and come to an adequate resolution.

Couples should make note that there will be times when they feel like giving up. There will be days of just not wanting to face any more difficulties. However, choosing to be intentional about affair recovery is where the strength to overcome the deception of negative thoughts about recovery lies.

Being mindful of what words are said will aid in the recovery process. When individuals are working through heartache, they may find themselves saying things without thinking. God instructs us to choose our words wisely and not speak out of anger. James 1:19-20 “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Facing The Issues

This is where the real work of healing and recovery starts. Recovery can be an uphill battle unless each partner can communicate their needs effectively. The couple may choose to attend seminars and other coaching opportunities to get a better perspective.

The best thing to do is to find a Christian counselor who can help navigate relational issues. There will be family and friends who want to step in and give advice. The couple needs to continue to process and heal on their terms.

Overcoming Sadness And Understanding

By the time the couple gets to this phase, they have put in a considerable amount of effort to heal and recover. They have also made a conscious decision that they want to restore their marriage. One of the biggest factors in reaching this phase of the recovery is time spent together. By choosing to spend time together the couple can learn to communicate needs and desires.

Some couples may have decided to separate after attempting to work through the pain on their own. If this is the case, the couple does not have to give up on restoring the marriage. Though the relationship may have changed and there is now a new normal, with help, trust can be restored and the marriage redeemed.

Christian Counseling for Affair Recovery

The impact of an affair is not easily overcome. However, there is hope for healing when the couple focuses on Godly direction and is intentional about affair recovery. The best way to navigate this type of trauma is to find a local Christian counselor who can help you create a faith-based plan to overcome infidelity.

God gives us guidance in His word that will help us understand what it means to forgive and love each other as He does. Ephesians 4:32 “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

If you feel that you would like to have faith-based guidance as you and your spouse navigate affair recovery, please contact your local Christian counselor’s office to set up an appointment. Get started on the road to recovery and healing in your marriage.