Managing Expectations in a Relationship

Have you ever been excited about something, or waited for a long time for something, but when whatever it was finally came along you found yourself feeling disappointed?

Sometimes, we can hype things up so much in our minds that the reality of that thing can never match our imagination. It could be something as simple as a new electronic device, a new home, working at a particular company, or a relationship with someone.

Our expectations can be powerful. If your expectations aren’t managed well, you can find yourself feeling extremely disappointed because the reality simply can’t match what you thought it would be.

In relationships, expectations can damage how people relate to one another. Expectations can put huge amounts of pressure to act, look, think, and be something that isn’t you, but that meets someone else’s needs.

What Are Your Expectations In A Relationship?

Everyone has expectations of their significant other. Those expectations may be expressed openly and be clear, but they can also be unformed or remain unexpressed. Usually, you get to know what your expectations are when they are disappointed or go unfulfilled. At that point, the disappointment can negatively affect how you look at the other person, so it’s important to understand your expectations before that and to manage those expectations well.

Your expectations may be about how you want your spouse to treat you, or it may be about how they relate to your kids, or how they fulfill their chores or other obligations in the family. Your expectations can be about anything, from the mundane such as putting their socks in the laundry hamper, to other issues such as fidelity or complete honesty in the relationship.

How Are Our Expectations Shaped?

What we come to think of as normative or desirable is shaped by various things. Your parents may have had a wonderful marriage, and as you get older you might want the same kind of relationship. Whatever qualities your parents and their relationship had, you desire that and want to replicate it. On the other hand, your folks may have had a difficult and fractious relationship that gives you a blueprint for what you want to avoid.

In addition to the above, we are also shaped by our friends, by what we see portrayed in media as desirable, and by what we learn as we do life. Your own experiences of heartache and hurt can shape or reshape your expectations considerably and in sometimes unexpected ways. In these and many other ways, what you expect from a partner in a romantic relationship will be formed.

The fact that your expectations are shaped by so many factors means that your expectations don’t remain static, either. What you desired or thought was even possible in a relationship when you were 18 might not be the same when you’re 25, 45, or 75 years old. As you and your needs change, what you expect from another person, and what you’re willing to do for them, may shift.

Reasonable And Unreasonable Expectations

A person can have any number of expectations that they smuggle into their relationship. Expectations can be fueled by unrealistic thoughts and desires. Powerful, and real disappointment and hurt can result from these expectations not being met. There are several differences between reasonable and unreasonable expectations, including the fact that a reasonable expectation is something that goes for any relationship, such as being honest and not misrepresenting yourself, or showing mutual respect for one another.

An unreasonable expectation is something that the other person could never have guessed at; it needed to be communicated first before it was expected. For instance, you may expect your partner to take the recycling and trash out and replace the garbage liner, but it might be unreasonable to expect them to do it in a particular order. It’s not that it’s an impossible request; it’s just that without adequate communication, it becomes unreasonable.

An expectation can also be unreasonable because of the stock that’s put into it. There may be good reasons for having the family’s year planner set out in black ink, but if the result of using a different ink is a full-blown meltdown, then perhaps that otherwise reasonable expectation has morphed into something else.

Also, if your expectation is for the relationship to meet every need and make you perfectly happy, that’s unreasonable and unrealistic as no one person can accomplish that.

All this is to say that for an expectation to be reasonable or unreasonable requires some context. People have different experiences that shape them and what they want from other people. It may be unreasonable to expect your spouse to give you hourly updates about where they are, or full access to their devices and social media accounts, but if they’ve been unfaithful on multiple occasions, such an expectation is reasonable and justified. Context matters.

How To Create And Maintain Reasonable Expectations

There are a few things you can consider as you work out your expectations and communicate them to your significant other.

• Know yourself Understand your values and what you consider non-negotiables. There’s no use in setting expectations over things you don’t care about. Don’t do it just because it’s the done thing. Make sure it’s about things you care about, that feed into your well-being, and that will help your relationship flourish.
• Make it a conversation Often, our expectations are self-generated, stemming from our past experiences, values, and so on. You may expect your spouse to do certain things because when you were growing up, that’s the sort of thing your mom or dad did. Those early role models have a powerful shaping force that helps you set your standards for what you want and don’t want.

Talk with your significant other so that they know what you’re thinking and expecting of them, and if they don’t agree, create space for that disagreement and for dialogue to arrive at something that works for you both. Sometimes, ‘reasonable’ depends on the two people having the conversation, because their specific needs and wants, as well as their capacity to meet each other’s needs, will vary.

Talking also means allowing for flexibility and renegotiation. What’s reasonable early in marriage before the kids arrive might become unreasonable with 3 kids to parent

• Give grace When your expectations are violated, what is your first response? Do you assume that the other person did it on purpose? Instead of that knee-jerk response, assume the best until you gain clarity on the situation.
• Respect one another Because you and your partner are different people, there may be a temptation to consider your own expectations and needs as reasonable, and theirs as unreasonable. We tend to have a bias toward ourselves, and this can prejudice our experience of others’ expectations while absolving us of being unreasonable.It will help your relationship immensely if you seek to understand your partner’s expectations and what informs them. Presume that what they want is reasonable and walk with them as they explain what they want and how they arrived at it.

It should go without saying that you should undergo a similar process with your expectations, with the understanding that some things will simply be a strong preference that neither you nor they will have cogent objective reasons for.

• Recognize human limitations The only One who can satisfy our deepest needs is the Lord. If we’re honest with ourselves, even then we struggle with God because of when and how He chooses to meet our needs. People can find themselves disappointed by God because the way He does things is not how we would do them. So, if we have those difficulties with God, who is perfectly loving, generous, and wise, how much more will we struggle with fallible, finite people in our lives?Just as other people need to show us grace, we too need to extend grace to others. Regardless of whether their expectations are legitimate and reasonable or not, we can’t perfectly fulfill them. Sometimes we get the timing wrong, and at other times the execution is a bit lacking, and at other times it’s both.Recognizing those human limits will allow you to not rely completely on them to have your needs met, which will go some way in undermining codependency. Additionally, it will prevent you from idolizing them or the relationship as the thing that will bring you your greatest happiness or significance.

Relationships can be complicated because of what we bring to them, and the expectations we load onto them. Having expectations on one hand, and on the other a healthy appreciation of our relationships and our significant others can be a tricky balancing act. You don’t have to walk that road alone. Speak to a counselor to help you understand what healthy expectations and boundaries are, how to deal constructively with disappointment and conflict, and how to resolve issues creatively together with your loved one.